SUE'S STORY: My Diary
Sue - age 48

I have been a drug user for 38 years, that’s if I include the alcohol & cigs which I used at 10 yrs of age. By age 11, I was a glue sniffer. By age 14, I was using 3 different psychiatric drugs- valium (benzodiazepine, anti-anxiety drug), Anafrinal (clomipramin, an antidepressant), plus a sleeper which I only knew as Parker Davies. I was 14.5 when I first ever had morphine; my boyfriend injected me with it with my full consent. It was love at first hit. I wasn’t to know then that my marriage to drugs would last until a month before I would be 49 yrs.

My relationship with drugs has been very passionate and also very destructive. Especially opiates/opioids. Over the last 15 yrs my relationship with drugs changed; it became like being with someone you now detest but don’t know how to get away from.

I first got registered as an addict at 22 yrs. I had tried before then but the GP I went to said I was too young to be taken on. I found out later that wasn’t the reason, it was because I was married to a nutter and the doctor was afraid of him. As soon as I got rid of the husband I got my script for Dicanol, a man-made opioid that killed a lot of my mates, as we would inject them and they were full of chalk with a plastic coating. Within 2 weeks of getting this script I had to fuck the doctor if I wanted more drugs on top of the script I was getting. The police called him the candy man and many addicts had to do him favours.

After about a year the Government decided to change everything. I went for my script and was given physeptone - that was the name used then for what is now known as methadone. After this I ended up registered 3 more times- methadone ampules was the drug I was given, I was 27 yrs then. Next, I was prescribed heroin reefers, which were diamorphine mixed with chloroform then injected into cigs, dried naturally. We called them biffters. The heroin cigs caused devastation in the North West of England because people couldn’t accept that a cig could turn them into a heroin addict. It was a great shame they hadn’t read William Burroughs’ ‘Naked Lunch’ where he says, whether you stick drugs up your arm, up your nose or up your arse it all leads to the same outcome – addiction.

After being on the biffters for a year, the clinic fell out with the then prescribing doctor and got a new GP and was he a plonker. I was swapped over from 4x60mg heroin cigs a day to 10x10ml methadone amps a day. He knew I had no veins left. He also gave them to my partner who didn’t inject. So I decided that we would sell them & buy street heroin. I was 32 and I remained registered for 10 yrs this time.

The last 18 mths they swapped me from methadone to Subutex. That was a bad drug to get off. I came off them on the 13th July 2002. I could not believe how ill I was. I lost 2 stone in weight in a matter of weeks. I have never suffered like that before with a rattle (drug withdrawal). I really thought I was going to die & so did many other people. A few weeks later I wished to God I had. I lost control over my bowels, I could barely eat anything. 12 mths later I was still so weak, drained, depressed, suicidal life was just misery. I kept thinking did I come of drugs for this? I had no quality of life.

I started dabbling with heroin, df’s (DF118, dihydrocodeine) & coke but I knew I could not afford to get a habit back as my Dad, who lived in Cyprus was in bad health & I knew I would soon have to live there & take care of him. Up until then I had been going to Cyprus up to 8 maybe 9 times a year & had had to take both legal & illegal drugs into Cyprus which at times scared the shit out of me.

I looked after my Dad until he died a hideous death in Feb 2005, as my Mother had 35yrs ago. I was traumatised by what I had seen happen in Cyprus. I came home & hit the heroin, coke, MDMA (ecstasy) & crack. Really I just wanted to die. I really felt my spirit had finally been broken. I was like a volcano inside. I would have fantasies of taking a machine gun and massacring anyone & everyone. I had to have more drugs to try & mask the pain & torment I was in. I already had PTSD before my Dad died but after his death I knew I had become a danger not only to myself but to society. The night terrors were unbearable. I could smell bad things all the time. My best friend Ron really thought they would put me back in the nut house. I tried to kill myself twice & then I knew I could no longer runaway from what I had seen.

I paid to see a therapist who a friend with PTSD had seen. It was worth the money and the pain I had to go through. The only problem I was left with was that I could not physically get off the drugs. Every time I tried I would have asthma attacks that were horrendous, my eyes felt like they were bulging out of my head as I fought to breathe. I was convinced that one of the asthma attacks would kill me.

Ron & I ended up going back to the drug clinic in May 2008, as we had a heroin, crack & methadone habit & was it getting expensive, plus having to buy off kids who would leave you waiting to score for up to 2 hrs. We hated everything about our addiction. We told the clinic we were only there for a reduction & not maintenance. I hated every second of being on at the clinic. I felt I was treated like a naughty child, even though all the piss tests only came up positive for methadone, which they were prescribing me. I was always on time to see my key worker etc. Nearly all the staff there have known me for years & they know after 34 yrs I am an expert on drug addiction. So when someone comes along & tries to tell you about addiction & you know that that person knows fuck all, it really winds you up.

In Feb 2006 Ron was looking on ‘Daily Dose’ (www.dailydose.net, drug and alcohol news website) when he read about an addict in Scotland called Barry who was getting the NET. I read it & told Ron that I had heard about the black box many, many, years ago.

I sent an email to Dr Meg. I didn’t know she had died, but I received a lovely email off her husband George. Sometime later I received an email off Joe Winston from NET. After that I would contact Joe regularly to find out if there was anywhere that I could go to get the NET, which there wasn’t at that time until Joe made it possible. I don’t know if I drove him mad with asking. I would try not to hassle him as I know how impatient us addicts can be & how we can be prone to tantrums, but my Dad always told me if you want something & it’s worth having, you have to fight for it.

Friday 8th May 2009: 1st day on the NET Device 901
I have come to Scotland from England to get the NET treatment. A wonderful woman called Maxie Richards has opened up her home to me, as she has done hundreds of times before for addicts wanting to come off. Joe Winston has kindly agreed to come and deliver my treatment to me.

I had my last dose of methadone yesterday morning at 7. I got up at 8am today, feel rough, by 10am feel dizzy, blurred vision, bad gut, shits and breathless. Joe Winston came at 10am. I was wired up to the NET by about 10.45. 15 to 20 mins later I could feel my withdrawals getting less. My vision became less blurred,

I don’t feel as anxious. 1pm: Feel up & down but not as bad as I expected. 4pm: Got a headache, blurred vision, anxious & nervous.

I have not just come off methadone; I have also come off beta-blockers. 5pm: Had a cig & feel a bit worse. Comparing this to the last time I came off methadone when I went cold turkey, I feel much better today than I usually would. 7pm: I have got a headache, blurred vision, stomach cramps & a bit cold, still feel loads better than I expected too. I even went out at night to church with Maxie, Craig and the lads from the rehab. Normally I would either be in bed or in a chair unable to move. 10.30pm: Can’t believe how well I feel, still a 3 out of 10.

So for my first day of rattle with the NET: out of 10 and with 10 being the worst possible rattle, I feel about a 3. If I had gone cold turkey it would by now be about a 6 or 7 out of 10.

Saturday 9th: 2nd day
Last night slept for about 4hrs. I was absolutely amazed that I managed to get any sleep last night; normally I would have to have taken a handful of valium to get 4hrs sleep.

The best thing was that I could lay still, no twitching, no sweating & no runny nose. I woke up at 5.30am with the raving horn, had to have a wank (masturbate), which I haven’t done for about 6 mths. I knew it would bring my rattle on more but needs must! Got backache, keep yawning & have got shivers, but only slight. Everything looks really bright; I have got a bit of mad dog eyes (big pupils). I really expected to feel like shit this morning but I don’t. It is now 10.30am – out of 10 it is still a 3. Have got the shits but not too bad. Normally by now I would be climbing the walls if I didn’t have the NET on. I also managed to eat 3 times yesterday, not a lot but normally it would be impossible for me to eat.

The NET feels like a security blanket, it feels really comforting behind your ears’ keep feeling a bit gloomy but then it goes away but I am not depressed.

11 am: Feel ok, still 3 out of 10. By 12pm rattle is worse now about a 4 physically, but only a 2 mentally. Normally by now I would be an 8 or 9 both physical & mental. I am doing a lot of yawning, runny nose, cramps but very bearable. My vision is blurred and I feel a bit confused.

2 pm: Feel loads better, still no energy/ fatigued, blurred vision. I couldn’t believe it, I sneezed! I have never started sneezing unless I am at the end of my rattle. Went out for a walk as Joe told me that I need to walk and get rays from the sun, there is no sun, so I hope the light will do.

5pm: Started feeling bad again but it only lasted about 2 hrs. I managed to eat dinner, not a great deal but really enjoyed it. If I didn’t have the NET on I wouldn’t be able to eat & if I tried I would either retch or throw up.

After I had eaten, I had a strange feeling behind my ears where the electrodes go; the frequency seemed to go up on its own without me touching the knob that I control. It really made me jump but was not painful. On the NET device there is a knob that the addict controls. I saw it like a clock, before the frequency went up on its own it was at 12, that is nearly full on, after the frequency went up I had to turn it down to 9. I turned it down at about 7 pm & it is still on 9 at 23.45. I have felt really good all evening.

At 5pm on a scale of 1 (good) to 10 (bad), physically 7 and mentally 3. At 8pm, physical 3, mental 1. This NET is just fucking mind blowing!!!

Sunday 10th: 3rd day
Had a bad night, first hour was ok then my skin started crawling. It feels like you have got maggots crawling under your skin. I find this the most unbearable part of doing a rattle. I have got it from my neck to the soles of my feet. Only had a few hours sleep all night. Even though it was bad it was not as bad as if I was doing cold turkey. I would say it was 7 out of 10. It went on for about 4hrs. I felt a bit delirious as if I was half awake, half asleep. I could hear a voice in my head saying “turn the box up” but I didn’t seem to be able to respond until about three hours after the crawling started. I turned it up & within an hour the creeps went off.

I have not only come off the methadone but have also stopped my beta blockers. I feel really anxious, which I know is the beta blockers because I have tried to come off them several times & had to go back on them because I felt so terrible and couldn’t control my shaking and the terror I felt. Am starting to panic, thinking I need a beta blocker, I will try not to go back on them but I didn’t come here to stop the beta blockers and I will not feel a failure if I do have to take them. I sneezed again, very good sign.

Got up at 6 am. Washed, had a cig. I now feel about 5 out of 10. I have smoked 3 cigs in the last 30 mins & then felt a few emotions surface & managed about 4 tears over all the many, many addicts who I have known over the last 34 yrs who have died, including my sister, first husband, boyfriend and 2 best mates. I couldn’t cry more than that as I feel I am almost immune to death. I have had it in my life since I was 10 yrs old when my mother died and it has carried on up to this day. Life’s a fucker at times.

I am war weary today; this has to be my last battle.

Joe came around at 9 am & we looked at how much I had turned down the frequency knob between 6 pm to 5 am yesterday. At 2 pm I had to take a blocker. I felt like there was a tiger waiting to pounce but I didn’t know where the fuck it was and the shaking is getting worse. It will take several hours for them to come on as they are time-released. By 5pm didn’t feel as anxious & the tiger has shrunk to become a kitten. I am feeling quite breathless but I think that is more a lack of sleep and food, also feel drained.

7pm: All of a sudden I have picked up. I turned the knob up on the NET 20 mins ago, so I assume it is down to the NET being turned up. I will have to remember to turn it up as soon as I start to feel rough.

Craig, another addict who is using the NET after me, he is on DF118’s at the moment, Maxie, the lovely lady who has taken Craig & me in (Mother Maxie of Scotland, who takes care of the drug addicts). What an absolute angel. Anyway, we all went to ASDA, I didn’t have the strength to go in. When they came out Craig said something really funny, he said in Scotland when the sun comes out we take are tops off, don’t we Maxie? Well Maxie is in her mid 60’s & both me & her had a picture of her sat in the back garden topless with young male addicts coming off drugs, looking freaked out, not knowing where to look. Maxie & I were crying with laughter, I couldn’t breathe for laughing. It is a very long time since I was on the verge of hysterical with laughter & it was wonderful to feel that feeling.

This NET device is absolutely fucking brilliant; I think I am in love with it. Every addict in the world should be offered this treatment. You just can’t get your head round how a beautiful little gold & black box that fits in your pocket could take away 50% to 75% of your rattle away and make you feel so mentally good. If I could feel like this about a man I would lavish him with love & affection until I died. I have had no cravings; well I wouldn’t for meth unless I was mad. The only good thing about methadone is that it gets that monkey off your back when your doin a rattle off the smack. I haven’t even craved for the gear or the crack.

23.45: I feel fuckin wonderful, can’t believe how good I feel. I would normally feel like this physically if I had gone cold turkey off the meth after 5 weeks & this has taken 3 days. Mentally I wouldn’t feel like this if I had been off a year. Tonight out of 10, physical 2, mental 0.

Monday 11th: 4th day
Had another bad night. Again I was ok for the first hour and then the crawling started in just my arms, as bad as the night before. Thank God it only lasted 3 hrs. I always go into a state of terror when I get the crawling because when I last did full withdrawals from meth it lasted for about 5 weeks. I seriously considered killing myself. Or cutting my legs off, which is where I usually get it the worst. I have lost count how many times I have turned my music up full on the computer and screamed & screamed to try and release the pain.

After 2 hrs I turned the box up & fell into a deep sleep for 3.5 hrs. When I woke up I felt flat & very weak. Joe & Lorne came at 9am. My frequency knob was at 12. Had behind my ears scrubbed & the electrodes put back on, which meant I could turn the knob to 9.

10am: I feel like I have had vampires at me but forced myself to Hoover up. After that I felt loads better. I do recommend that if you do use the NET that you force yourself to do things, which I know is hard especially if like me, you have done more rattles than you care to mention. Your memories of previous times when you couldn’t move or were to afraid too because of how sick you were. 12pm: Managed to eat quite a lot for lunch. Still feel good, about a 2 physical & a 1 mental, still can’t believe it. Normally by day 4 I would be coughing, retching my guts up, not be able to move. I would have the most terrible head fuck & be wishing to God I was dead.

I am one of those people who has to know how & why things work or happen. Even though I have been told how the NET works & have read up about it, my brain is finding it difficult to comprehend how so much of my rattle has gone from a lovely feeling electric current behind my ears. It just doesn’t seem logical & I don’t work on logic, I work on feelings. When I have told other people about the NET they look at me like I am completely mad but they can see how well I look.

I’ll tell you something, the NET doesn’t half give you the raving horn, I know you get it anyway when you come off drugs but nothing like this. I am sure I will end up having a masturbation breakdown soon. My advice would be, try not to wank until you wake up as it makes your rattle worse. This is a case of doing as I say & not as I do, unfortunately for me.

We have had fits of the giggles again today. Craig comes out with some mad things. I had to go inside as I couldn’t breathe for laughing. I have had no depression since I went onto the box nor have I had any nightmares which I have all the time.

I had dealt with my demons before I came to have this treatment. It took a long time & cost me a lot of money as the services for mental health, which the NHS in the UK provides, is absolute shite in my opinion.

Anyway have had a brilliant day today. Not really doing any rattle now, just weak & drained which is nothing.

Tuesday 12th: 5th day
Got to bed at 11.45, skin crawling from 12.30 to 4am. Turned the box up, fell asleep. Woke up at 7 am, had a shower as I could smell junkie sweat on myself. I have been having strip washes up to now as I didn’t want to be parted from the box. Got dressed, put makeup on, etc. I don’t feel bad but I do feel like a washed out dish cloth. Physical 1.5, mental 1.

Today I have been really tired but very little rattle. I haven’t done much today as have no energy. Went for a little walk but am really breathless. I am going to bed at 10 pm done for.

Wednesday 13th: 6th day
I had 3 hrs deep sleep, then I was awake for 3 hrs, fell asleep again for 4 hrs. The creeps are only very slight now. 9 am: physical 1, mental 0.

I’ve eaten loads more today, drank more fluids. I feel good just burned out. Have had a lovely day.

Thursday 14th: 7th day
Not too bad last night, just wish I could leave myself be but can’t. Craig is lucky I am a woman & he is a man & not the other way round! Joe, Lorne can you not provide us with something for this?

Got up at 7 am, have got bad shits today. My gut always fucks up when I have come off meth. I am sure that & Subutex have fucked my insides, but how could I ever prove it with all the chemicals I have put into my body? I have had cameras up my arse, down my throat, plus many other tests. When I paid a specialist he said he could find nothing wrong & that it probably was a contraindication to the medication I had been on.

I really feel the rattle has finished now, just left weak and drained no energy at all. I really don’t think the beta blockers help. If I knew then what I know now, I would have weaned myself off the blockers first. I do recommend that if anyone who is planning to use the NET & is on beta blockers for anxiety or PTSD, try your best to come off them first.

1.30pm: I had a ham butty, then the frequency shot up on its own behind my ears, God I love that feeling. Started cleaning the house which took an hour & a half. I have got loads of energy from somewhere, started gardening, cutting bushes down, picking up garden waste. I feel dead giddy & exited. I am not used to feeling good; it is totally alien to me.

Lorne has been phoning me each night & that has been very important to me as I can tell him my concerns & ask questions & he explains what is happening. I told Lorne that it would have taken me a year to be where I am in 7 days!!!! Isn’t that mind blowing, isn’t that a miracle? God Bless Dr Meg Patterson.

Had a bath, have done washing & ironing. I am really buzzing off life. I feel like a kid on Christmas Eve. I feel like I have been given my life back. If I had gone cold turkey I would now be at the worst of my rattle now & would have lost a lot of weight.

Friday 15th: 8th day
Couldn’t get to sleep as I was too giddy. As I was in bed I got a strange feeling in my head on the top right side, it was like a pulling feeling, Like two bean sprouts one below the other but separate & then as if they were both reaching out for each other. I then felt them connect & become one. I could have cried with joy, I feel I have waited my whole life for this connection to make me whole. I have always known something was wrong but I didn’t know what or how to put it right. I am convinced the receptors that joined together had always been separate. Maybe it was because my mother was on a few different types of tranquilisers when I was conceived, who knows. Anyway it doesn’t matter they are joined now & I feel complete.

Got up & really have the raging shits today. So I have no energy today but emotionally I feel brilliant. Rattle has completely gone. Haven’t managed to do much today, I think I overdid it yesterday.

This experience lasted 3hrs & when it stopped my head was hurting & really fuzzy, I also had a high pitch sound in my ears.

This is the longest I have ever gone without being depressed in my life & the longest I have ever gone without nightmares or night terrors. I didn’t expect this but what a massive bonus it is.

Saturday 16th: 9th day
What a fuckin experience I had in bed last night. I couldn’t sleep & was considering taking the NET off but it wasn’t uncomfortable. I then got a feeling that I must not take the box off. I turned over to try & sleep. I could barely feel the tingling sensation behind my ears. A few mins later both sides of my head started really tingling from above my ears going up the sides of my head. I then felt a snapping /clicking sound in the left side of my head this time. It felt similar to the night before. I then asked God if I could see what was happening inside my head where the snapping had happened. I didn’t expect anything to happen but there is no harm in asking is there? About 30 seconds later I saw in my mind’s eye, hundreds/thousands of Tanzanian ruby red and majestic blue tanzanite coloured bits. As if someone had sprayed them into my head but the red remained red & the blue stayed blue but they were all mixed. I could feel & hear like static electricity firing inside my head. Again in my mind’s eye all the blue & red separately started stretching into like starfish shapes, black fine wire looking things came off the points. They seemed to all start to spark as they were joining each other simultaneously. This went on for quite a long time. I believe I heard a voice that came from my heart & went into my head saying “your neurotransmitters are connecting”. A lot more than this happened last night but I am sure whoever reads this will already be thinking this woman has definitely done too many drugs in the past or she is a lunatic. I will put all that I have written in a safety deposit box & when it comes to fruition I will let Lorne & Joe have it, just so I can prove myself right.

I am more than happy for anyone to form their own opinion about my experience. I have told several people about it and there seems to be 3 conclusions:

This experience lasted 3hrs & when it stopped my head was hurting & really fuzzy, I also had a high pitch sound in my ears.

I’m hoping that the NET is going to start irritating me soon as I have been told it will & then I will be glad to see the back of it but up to now I love it to bits. I keep turning it up but the more I turn it up the more I like it. I love putting it on full but I do have masochistic tendencies & enjoy getting surges of electricity from various things. Am I forming a dependency on this little box? I really love it & am really sad that we will be parting company tomorrow as I must fly back to England.

Today I have still got bad guts and am drained but have no rattle.

Sunday 17th: 10th day - Last day
I slept really well last night, got about 6 hrs. Got up at 6 am. I am still not feeling anything uncomfortable behind my ears, so have turned it up.

Feel better today, gut isn’t as bad. I’m eating much better as well. I am pleased that I am going home today there is nothing like your own bed, is there? I am used to a big double bed to myself. I also miss my son Nick, best friend Ron, my cat tiggybear , my goldfish.

Maxie, Craig & I went out for lunch, I ate loads.

5pm: I have just taken the NET off. I am slightly anxious as it is still my best friend and I’m still in love with it. I think that the reason it may not have irritated me could be down to the beta blockers, or it really could be because I enjoy electric currents. Got to Glasgow airport & all my senses became really acute. My brain felt bombarded with too much information coming in. I started sweating. I saw two plod (policemen), they had submachine guns, one of them only looked about 17yrs old, and I burst out laughing, which is not the best thing to do when you are on your own.

Once I was on the plane, I was fascinated with the propeller & the tyres, like a kid is; I got really excited about them, just like I was seeing them for the first time. I arrived at Manchester airport & was met by Ron & my son Nick. It was lovely seeing them but Ron looks grey & very skinny as he is still on the meth. He is going to Scotland in a few weeks to have the NET.

I decided I had to drive home from the airport, I scared Ron to death but my son has far more faith in my driving. I had the music on really loud, doing 90 mph & felt really alive. When you think it was only 11 days ago that I came off methadone, I would normally be at death’s door by now. Even when I have been off drugs for a year I have never felt this good. Can’t stop eating now, have had 2 Sunday dinners. I still feel very weak & I am missing the little box. I feel like I have lost a friend.

16th June 2009: first month after NET.
I am really good, have done the garden. Am still pigging out & praying I will not end up a fat bird. I doubt it as I am always on the go.

I have had no depression since the day I went on the NET. Not only that, I have not had one nightmare or night terror & this is unheard of for me. I think the longest I have ever gone without either is maybe a few days. I really feel that my brain is fully switched on now & before the NET it wasn’t.

NET was the best thing I have ever had in my life. I did have to fight for a good few years to get it. I knew if I persevered I would eventually get it & thank God I did.

Today I am drug free. I have no cravings even when I try & imagine using drugs there is no emotional attachment. For the first time in my life – I AM FREE!!!!!!

Lots of love,
Sue